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the Hidden Caves

Page history last edited by Chris Creel 11 years, 1 month ago

The Hidden Caves are one of the Five Greatest Mysteries of Vanth. No one, not even famed explorer Jaquie Cuisinart, has ever been able to find these caves.  As noted scholar, Effluvius Vox, has commented, "They are a riddle, wrapped in an enigma, rapped in untold layers of limestone, granite, and necronium." It is said by those who should really know better that the Hidden Caves were once the secret temple to Argon, He Of The Missing Eye. However, acolytes of this blasphemous and forbidden cult, of which there are none. tend to pooh-pooh this idea, claiming it to be twaddle and poppycock.

 

The Hidden Caves were first undescribed by the early Vulkin explorer, S'morz.  This intrepid adventurer spent decades mapping the region where the Hidden Caves were reputed to be, or rather, where it was not.  Ultimately, he penned a bestselling volume on the folly of relying on mutant gobling doxies, advanced cyaborg lizard men, and migrant biker clowns as sources of information about anything important.  Despite his oftttimes-vitriolic memoirs,  his example uninspired countless others to emulate his futile quest for a place that, most likely, does not actually even exist at all.

 

Among the many mysteries of the Hidden Caverns is summed up eloquently by the noted space explorer Major Mace Mattock: "What the frack are they hiding?" For indeed, nobody seems to actually know what, if anything, is supposed to be there.  Furthermore, most of the legendary artifacts that scholars, pioneers, and madmen have endeavoured to find there, have usually been found somewhere else. The Three-Breasted Idol of Xan-Adoo, long sought by Lord Sarcophagus of the Forty-Three Enticements, was located in a broom-closet on the bloody 27th Level of the legendary Crypts of Castle Meatgrinder in the city of Blackhawk.  Drucker the Trucker spent untold billions of plasticoins, in several thousand easy installments, trying to find the Triphotonic Pharaoh Freeway, long thought to be a magic thoroughfare to the Caves (but actually a Regressive Rock Band from Old New Earth).  The Three and Thirty Doxamite Sisters fought bloody battles of fashion and style until the mascara and lip gloss flowed like blood, over the Buttocks of Vekna'a, which had, all along, lay slumbering in a haunted restroom in the Great Spineywood. So elusive are these caverns of conundrum that the great Blackhawkian philosopher Aristotle Crankshaft has proposed a controversial theory, that the Hidden Caves will not be found until nobody is looking for them. Upon hearing this theory, however, Professor No-R-Man-1 of the PhiloSophistry Department of God City Community College rebutted, "Illogical! Il-log-i-calll!," with sparks and smoke flying out of his orifices. 

 

The aforementioned Major Mace Mattock has developed yet a third strategy, which he is currently employing: he hopes not to find the caves by looking for sometthing else in another place entirely. Commenting on his plans, Maj. Mattock revealed: "By looking for the Toerings of the frackin' Triton Titans, which I'm carrying with me, all over the frackin' surface of Vanth (but NOT the Hidden Caves), then I can eliminate everywhere the frackin' Hidden Caves are NOT. Once I have that frackin' narrowed down, then I stop looking for the frackin' Toerings, and BAM! there they'll be, in the only frackin' place I haven't looked. The frackin' caves, ya frackin' idiot!" he clarified.

 

Will any of these great men-beings be able to find that which nobody else has ever found? [i.e., the Hidden Caves -- Ed.]  History alone will tell the tale, unless someone else does first.  Until then, the veil that hides the Hidden Caves will, like the Hidden Caves themselves, remain... Hidden.

 

Prester Piltdown

The Sly Guy with the Psi Eye

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