The Shire Realm of the Hoblings seems one of the more tranquil lands on Vanth. Its idyllic meadows, rolling green hills and trilling rills are home not only to hobling burrows but rock gnome gardens, elfin campgrounds and the last Vanthian remnant of the Narniac Diaspora. The bearlike midget cave wookys called Earwoks dwell here on the outskirts of the Spineywood, and you can't fling a worn out tuning peg without hitting a cloud of pixies. The lizard men of the Phasic Swamp only barbecue the occasional footling hoblet who strays into their domain, and the Realm has the lowest crime rate west of the Sea as long as you don't count burglary, petty larceny and 'droid rustling.
What no Gnomer, Tookle, Toker, Brandysnift, Bagger, or Downie-Watership cares to admit is that this sunlit land bears a curse. Ever since Ordof Snigbag II returned from his adventures with Haragorn Huronov no Emperor has ruled the hoblings for longer than a year. The lineage of the Realm has been a tragicomedy of accidental deaths, fatal misjudgements, ill fortune and acts of the gods. Peavey Finchbiter IV died a hero in a pie-eating contest. The Empress Mamie Toker disgraced herself so enthusiastically with the soldiers of the invading army of the dread Snailking that she and an enemy platoon or two were the only casualties of the Seven Nights War. The last Emperor, Mugs Allgloome I, disappeared in the Spineywood 300 years ago, not to be seen nor heard nor smelled since, though rumors that he haunts the dungeons beneath the City of Blackhawk persist to this day.
Since then the Realm has been faithfully ruled by the Steward Clan, for no hobling has been brave enough to claim the cloak and hood of the Emperor.
Shakey Jake Slocum, the Singing Doxy
Comments (4)
Guy Hoyle said
at 10:09 pm on Aug 31, 2009
I laughed so hard that pipeweed came out of my nose. No, seriously. --Effluvius Vox
Chris Creel said
at 5:55 am on Sep 1, 2009
The stiff penalties for Droid Rustling in the lands beyond the Shire Realm should not be discounted when considering the relative low crime rate of this Realm.
-- Prof. S. Kalthof
Guy Hoyle said
at 9:57 pm on Sep 1, 2009
Mugs Allgloome I inherited the curse of his ancestor, Emperor Farkles Flatbottom IV, who suffered from the mutation of the detachable limbs. Emperor Farkles was known as "Strider" because of his exquisitely hand-crafted bionic legs, which allowed him to stand a full head and a half taller than the tallest of his subjects. "Strider" and his limbs were both lost in the "Battle of Strider's Folly", which has been mistakenly identified throughout the ages as part of the Wars of Fthagn.
---The Paisley Book of Fettlemung, 47th edition.
Guy Hoyle said
at 10:00 pm on Sep 1, 2009
"Emperor Strider" and his widely-famed legs are immortalized in Buckley Butterbottom's masterwork, the Bottlecap Mosaic at the Imperial Palace at Bigburrow.
--EV
You don't have permission to comment on this page.